i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
