You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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