Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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