I'm lost and stupid without you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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