Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
