found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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