a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
