I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
