I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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