Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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