shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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