trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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