I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
In America we eat man semen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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