the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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