how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
