hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
