im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
