i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i think i have herpe
just one?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
