Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
