He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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