Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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