people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
