Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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