i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
