She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
