Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
