Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
