You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
