I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
