wakey wakey hands off snakey
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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