I think scott just propositioned me for sex
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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