I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Only a mothe r could love this liver
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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