Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
