Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Damn victory sex feels great
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
