I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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