Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
