i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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