"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
