Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
