New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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