he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
