Have you finally orgasmed yet?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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