we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
