I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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