He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
