i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
