Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
