I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
