Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
