she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
