I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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