we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
