Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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