Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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