They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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