people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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