Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
