I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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